On Settling and Why I Can’t Do It.

That picture is from the book Post Secret by Frank Warren. It is more compiled by Frank Warren than written by him. Before I get into the meat of this just a little plug for Post Secret. Post Secret is a project by Frank where people anonymously send him decorated post cards reveling their secrets. He has a website where you can see them or buy one of the five books.

Out of all the books this is my favorite secret; not for it’s sincerity or depth, but for it’s sentiment. It’s one that I think get’s swept under the rug in relationships far too often. I will say right now, in no uncertain terms, that I would rather be alone than settle for someone who less than what I am. If I hold myself to a standard, why is not OK to hold a significant other to that same bar? I respect myself enough to not just take the easy path and take what is given.* Please don’t take this as conceited, this applies to everyone. It has to do with self-respect, honesty, and discipline.

I see so many people in relationships where it is visible that neither are happy. The question remains, why are they still pursuing it? It can be for several reasons, but I think one sticks out, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of letting go. Who knows what lies beyond this? What if I don’t meet someone else? What if this is the best I can do? I just don’t want to be alone. Another factor is work. It’s hard to meet new companions. It’s much easier to just stay with the one you have. Hey, he/she is right there. So, this fear and complacency add up to two unhappy people going through the motions because they are petrified of the world beyond their cocoon.

How about the people who constantly sleep around or jump from guy/girl to guy/girl. Sure if that’s what you want to do, by all means, go ahead. I can say with some certainty that most of these people aren’t doing it for just the sex (not all mind you), but because they can’t deal with loneliness. It’s tough. I would be lying if I said that I haven’t done things or ignored problems to stave off loneliness, things I am not proud of. This is the discipline part. Being human we are naturally social creatures. It’s how we survive. So, it’s understandable why we get lonely. That being said, why settle for someone who is totally wrong for you just because you are alone? It’s not worth it.

The most important factor is honesty. If you are honest with yourself then you can start seeing bad relationships and end them before you concede to a lifetime of unhappiness. Can you respect yourself enough to hold out for the right person? There is 6 billion people on the planet. If you half it for gender and split it into thirds for age. I’ll even say another third for compatibility. That leaves roughly (estimation of course) 300 million people. Yeah they aren’t all by you, but you can extrapolate my point — plenty of fish in the sea. Personally, I intend to find my perfect, metaphorical fish, and not settle for less.

P.S.

This is more of a clarification for people calling me naive. I do think relationships take work. They take a hell of a lot of work, but it is clear (at least if you are honest) what is something you need to work through and what is incompatibility on a deep level.

*For food, sure. For Love, hell no.

A Head and No Heart

During the course of my life I have had several values pounded into me. Not to bore you with too much of the past, but needless to say I was raised as a good vulcan son and emotions were the enemy. Now, this did not have to much baring on how I acted through my high school years. I was almost completely ruled by my baser self. This all came to a head in my freshman year of college. I have mentioned it many times before on this blog (if only because it’s impact was far-reaching within the confines of myself) so it doesn’t justify going into detail. Point being I got hurt, hurt bad.

The pain forced me to be more closed off. If acting on emotions caused me to this then I need to pursue a different path. It wasn’t one fell swoop; failed relationship after failed relationship made me more and more emotionally dead to people. As time went on the pain lessened. If you are not giving yourself to an individual, they can’t crush it. I know this sounds like a crappy teen drama, and don’t think that I don’t see it. I can’t believe I am posting it myself. It seems so behind me. Highschool. Juvenile. Childish.

This brings us to the point of this post. This blog is not only for reader enjoyment (is there even anyone out there?), but to chronicle myself for future me. Right now I am at an impasse. I have such a wall built up that no one has a chance to get through. While past relationships have ended for myriad reasons beyond myself being emotionally unavaliable, it definitely has played a major role.

I, for one, am sick of it. I used to be such a romantic guy. I used to be the guy who took a girl to the middle of a soccer field at night, when people weren’t playing, but before the lights went off, to slow dance while were shared earbuds. What a sap, right? I miss that guy! He had so much heart to give! I sit here now with a head full of knowledge, but a non-existant heart. I need to turn this around. All I need is some help. Who’s in?

A Sad State of Affairs

I’m sorry most of these posts have been about love, but to be honest it’s kind of been on my mind a lot lately. So, I tend to observe people around me, maybe more than I should. I see many couple walking around and almost all of them just don’t look happy. I hear them bicker and fight over the stupidest shit. “I really would like to go to McDonalds.” “I DON’T WANT TO GO TO MCDONALDS, YOU KNOW I HATE IT!” “…but” “NO, JUST…YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME.” Is that really necessary? Isn’t there really more important things to be doing? I mean if you can’t stand the persons company why are you with them. I see this trend more and more. People just stick together because they are just too lazy or too scared to break up with them. I though the whole goal of dating is to find the one you’re most compatible with. Why waste time on someone you obviously are not? If it comes down to laziness that is just the saddest excuse of all, how can you be too lazy to find someone you can be compatible with? I really think this might be the reason the divorce rate is so high. You are just with this person so much it becomes habit, then you get married. Why? Because it’s just naturally the next step, of course. Then you have 3 kids and realize you are in a loveless marriage and it’s all you you can do just to stand the person. You both go to work, he comes home and you have silent dinner then put the kids to bed and maybe, just maybe have emotionless sex before bed. This is really bothers me and I refuse to live such a meaningless existence. I don’t care if I am alone forever. I would rather be alone then suffer through that hell. You can tell me I’m naive and that’s just not how things work. Well, then I’m changing the rules. I refuse to play this game. Love should be exciting and you should always want to be with your significant other. Not say you two become one person and never do anything else, but spending time with that person should not be a chore. Fights happen, of course they will, but I think it really should be over some important issue not a million tiny, worthless problems. I guess this is why I am a hopeless romantic. I crave the ideal relationship even though it may not exist. I’ll keep searching though.