During the course of my life I have had several values pounded into me. Not to bore you with too much of the past, but needless to say I was raised as a good vulcan son and emotions were the enemy. Now, this did not have to much baring on how I acted through my high school years. I was almost completely ruled by my baser self. This all came to a head in my freshman year of college. I have mentioned it many times before on this blog (if only because it’s impact was far-reaching within the confines of myself) so it doesn’t justify going into detail. Point being I got hurt, hurt bad.
The pain forced me to be more closed off. If acting on emotions caused me to this then I need to pursue a different path. It wasn’t one fell swoop; failed relationship after failed relationship made me more and more emotionally dead to people. As time went on the pain lessened. If you are not giving yourself to an individual, they can’t crush it. I know this sounds like a crappy teen drama, and don’t think that I don’t see it. I can’t believe I am posting it myself. It seems so behind me. Highschool. Juvenile. Childish.
This brings us to the point of this post. This blog is not only for reader enjoyment (is there even anyone out there?), but to chronicle myself for future me. Right now I am at an impasse. I have such a wall built up that no one has a chance to get through. While past relationships have ended for myriad reasons beyond myself being emotionally unavaliable, it definitely has played a major role.
I, for one, am sick of it. I used to be such a romantic guy. I used to be the guy who took a girl to the middle of a soccer field at night, when people weren’t playing, but before the lights went off, to slow dance while were shared earbuds. What a sap, right? I miss that guy! He had so much heart to give! I sit here now with a head full of knowledge, but a non-existant heart. I need to turn this around. All I need is some help. Who’s in?