Old Jobs Die Hard

Today’s blog is brought to you by the wonderful customers at Deep River Waterpark because without them this would not be possible. Let me give you a little back story. For those who do not know me personally I was once an employee of Northwest Indiana’s premier waterpark. I was a proud member of the maintenance staff a.k.a. janitor. During my stay there, I had many experiences that I feel I should share with you guys. It’s a little late seeing as I resigned from that job in the summer of ’05, but the tales must be told! So, without further adieu, I bring you:

The Saga of a Splastatsic Employee

It was the start of my second summer at Deep River, I pretty much knew the ropes, I knew how things worked, big man on campus basically. I guess people must have sensed this because any customer with a question/request/desire would come directly to me. I guess the bright orange shirt or broom and dustpan wasn’t enough camouflage to keep me hidden from the normal customer. The waterpark hire people specifically designed for the task of helping people, we have a huge gazebo devoted to customer service with a big sign that says customer service. On top of that we have people walk around with a big sign that says “Ask me.” Yet, I get the questions. Yeah, it’s broken. When it rains at the waterpark one perk we get is that we don’t have to work and get to stand under something as to not get soaked. Well, one day I was working in the food court. It started to rain and I went under the awning by where you order food. I would like to take this time to point out one of the weirdest oxymorons in history. Whenever it rains (rains not storms) at the waterpark everyone runs for cover. I mean people in the wavepool will get out and run under an umbrella. Let me see if I get this straight; you pay to get into a waterpark but as soon as rain hits all bets are off. This is the kind of people I have to put up with. Anyway, on with the story. So I was conversing with one of my fellow employees under the awning when a woman in a bathing suit standing next to me ,apparently escaping the rain under said awning, taps me on the shoulder because I looked like someone who could answer her inquiry. She asks “excuse me what’s the policy on refunds?” Ok, a normal question I don’t mind this too much, I mean it’s completely legit. I answer with “Usually if the rain doesn’t stop within an hour they start handing out refunds.” So, I go back to talking to whoever I was talking to when she taps my should again. Ughh. So, I ask her what she needs. She asks me, “Does the rain usually stop?” For emphasis, I will restate the question. “Does the rain usually stop?” I am thinking to myself how the hell can anyone ask such a stupid question? I mean come on, how long have you been a resident of Earth? I was so dumbfounded by this absurd question that all I could manage to say was “Uhhhh….Yeah, usually.” I later thought of the perfect response, but it was too late. For my own sanity, I will state the proper response. *look up at sky* “No, I don’t think it’s stopping this time. You know we are actually building an ark in the back. I would hurry back there though, space is limited.” What the hell is wrong with people. Please, think before you speak.

Warning: Not for the weak of heart or stomach.

My first year at my first job. It was different that’s for sure. As a n00b employee I was given all the shit work to do. Literally, the shit work, like cleaning shit. We actually came up with a name for the shirt workers. We were F.A.R.T. That’s an acronym for Fecal Accident Response Team. Our motto: “shit happens” We were actually going to make t-shirts, brown with F.A.R.T. on the front in white letters, on the back shit happens also in white. I still might do that. Anyway one night I was working Tubin’ Tuesday. Tubin’ Tuesday is one of those phenomena that come around once maybe twice per every billion years. Every Tuesday after the park closes at 7 p.m. we would reopen for Tubin’ Tuesday which was an excuse to keep the park open until 9:30. At about 7 o’clock fifty or so 7th and 8th graders would show up for Tubin’ Tuesday. Mind you not in bathing suits, but in full clothes. We would have a DJ there too and he would play horrid popular rap music or something. The waterpark transformed from Deep River Waterpark to Club River. You would see these little kids bumpin’ and grindin’ on the food court. It was about the funniest and worst spectacle to behold. Anyway, one Tubin’ Tuesday my lead (supervisor) comes up to me and tells me to check the front bathrooms, there is a code brown. What a great segue to let me tell you about the codes! Instead of just saying what has happened we have codes to “cleverly disguise” the actual occurrence. Here is the list of code in amazing color!

Code Brown: Poop
Code Yellow: Urine
Code Red: Blood
Code Pink: Feminine Product
Code White: Man Juice
Code Rainbow: Puke/Barf/Up Chuck
Code Purple: Old Man in Speedo (employee named)

I hope you all enjoyed that. So, I get to clean up a code brown! Woooooo. I have a fellow member of F.A.R.T. come down to assist me. I had no idea what was in store for me. I start checking the stalls when I come to the middle stall. Holy fuck! It looks like a shit massacre. It is smeared all over the walls and toilet seat. My buddy almost code rainbowed right there. So, it becomes apparent to me that I am going to get the wonderful task of cleaning this mess. The worst part was that some snot nosed kid actually did this. He took his bare hands and smeared all this because there are handprints. Worst experience ever. It sucked, I still have nightmares.

That is what it is like to be a DRWP maintenance employee. You are treated like what you clean. I hated that job and I’m glad I got a new one. If I recall any other waterpark stories. You guys will be the first to hear. Also, thank you to anyone who has been commenting. I appreciate them. They have been interesting so far. Please keep it up!

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