Topic 18: Bone Squirreling

“Imaginary home remedies to cure imaginary ailments”

This cure has been passed down to me through the ages. From your grandfather and his grandfather before him. You know when the bone squirreling and abdominal cross-pollinating start coming on real heavy. Here’s what you do. First you need to get three separate pails of ice cold water, a jar of cured meat, three to four medium sized hens, and a whole mess of horses. They must be placed three inches apart from one another with the handles pointed due west. After that strip down to nothing but your grundlewares, but don’t forget to cover the bits. You are not trying to impress anyone now. Take the cured meats and eat them right quick. If you take longer than a minute to eat all those you have to wait another ten days before attempting this cure again. After you are chocked full of meats place as many hens as you can under your right arm pit. Three works, but four will speed up the whole process. Take the cold water and have a trusted person dump it on you and the hens. It is important that the hens get WET. They will get more pissed than a hive of bees in a river, but you need to hold on tight to those hens. You can’t let them go! Finally, and this is the most important part of the whole event, you need to ride a pack of no less than one-hundred horses around the Florida everglades. With it being a swamp down there, you should make sure all the horses are wearing life vests. Follow these steps and your days of chiseled woman syndrome and overactive face quaking will be a thing of the past.

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