Month: August 2007

I really need to start bringing a laptop or a tape recorder with me when I go on walks. I always think of the best things to write about, but by the time I get back I almost completely forget how I worded them and everything. The purpose of this blog is really to try to admit some things to myself. The best way I could think to do this would be to present it to a world wide audience.

You ever get that feeling where you know something is amiss, but you can’t figure it out? Well, for the past year or so I have had this constant nagging feeling. It gets stronger on some days and weaker on others, but it’s always there. There was a couple times where I thought I got it, but alas, it was to no avail. This is just, hopefully, a stepping stone to help me figure out what the hell is going on. You know sometimes when you believe a lie so much it becomes truth? I kind of get that feeling about my whole self. I don’t really know me anymore. I mean I am me and I don’t know me. If that is hard to understand I am sorry. I feel like a hodgepodge of different fads, scenes, and people. I don’t know my defining quality. Over the past year I really thought I gained a bunch of confidence, but I realize now most of it is just a facade. I think most of me is just a facade. I put on these fake masks every morning because I don’t want people to see the real me. I don’t even know the real me anymore. The real me died many years ago when I started to care what other people think. I keep searching to find the real me and bring him back from entropy. There is so many things I have done just to impress other people and it hasn’t even done that. Instead it has really made me loose sight of truly important things. I am at a point right now that no matter which group of friends I am with I always feel awkward. I am distrusting of everyone and I don’t like 95% of people I come into contact with. I am ashamed of things I really like and sometimes even deny liking them in front of people. I really don’t like me right now. There is only a few things I am proud of and it’s not enough. I really want to be happy with myself again. I think then I will be happier with other things. I always say I don’t care what people think, well it’s time to start practicing what I preach and stop being a baby. I really want to start being less sarcastic, it is my biggest shield against anyone. It has come to a point where it’s hard for me to communicate without being sarcastic and sometimes just downright mean. I need to start bringing the old me back maybe with some new spices, but essentially the person I used to be. I liked him. We were buds. I look back at old posts and videos and I really was arrogant. In the summer I used to ask myself what did I have to be arrogant about? Well, today I realized it was because despite my slightly chunkier physique, I was comfortable with myself. I liked me and in turn so did other people. I don’t know how to end this, but I think I am done for right now.